For many years, I lived in a cloud of darkness. Thankfully, those years are far behind me and I can now speak of them without sadness. In my upcoming book “Living on Ice“, I write of my journey through those years – overcoming personal pain and rising above the ashes. This is a draft chapter from the middle of the book.
I have a growing sense of not being “enough”.
I don’t know how to search far and wide for “why”…. my mind has short-circuited
Maybe I could do better
-be better at everything
-try to be perfect
but I never seem to quite make it
Maybes and maybes….but no answers
And I slowly begin to unravel
It begins with tears after dropping the children at school
It continues with tears as sleep mercifully comes to the rescue
It makes itself known in the fire that has left my eyes
My unravelling is complete when the world drains of colour and everything looks back at me in shades of grey.
It’s the numbness of nerve- endings
It’s the deep shame of being ‘defective’
It’s the realisation that the darkness which embraces me has no foot-holds on its slippery wall
My smile is my only armour
It hides everything
My weakness is met with strong protestations that border on volcanic anger
And now I detest myself even more.
© Vivian Zems
November 3, 2019 at 3:15 pm
I can see myself in these words, Vivian. Unfortunately, I also see others here as well.
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November 3, 2019 at 3:33 pm
I know what you mean- by others. Not a popular topic- but an important one.
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November 3, 2019 at 3:31 pm
The last four lines are heartbreaking. So much hurt and frustration, in those words…
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November 3, 2019 at 3:33 pm
Thanks for reading, Magaly.
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November 3, 2019 at 4:40 pm
To always try to be perfect will always leave your frustrated and sad… the only way has to be to be happy with what you have done.
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November 5, 2019 at 9:01 pm
I quite agree
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November 3, 2019 at 4:43 pm
A novel in verse! I am blown away by your productivity, and imagination. As for the poem……that feeling of not being enough is a message life drums into us – yet it is so far from true. Eventually, we know we are enough just as we are. Like Magaly, your closing lines struck me. A thought-provoking poem.
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November 5, 2019 at 9:00 pm
Thanks Sherry!
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November 3, 2019 at 5:42 pm
The pain, the struggle is so palpable I can feel it, Viv! You have come a long way since then. Proud of you! ❤️❤️
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November 5, 2019 at 9:00 pm
Thanks Sanaa 😊
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November 3, 2019 at 9:55 pm
Such a painful place to be–you capture that feeling so well here–I
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November 5, 2019 at 8:59 pm
Thanks Audrey😊
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November 4, 2019 at 12:58 am
A powerful scene form the book: “My unravelling is complete when the world drains of colour” and “the darkness which embraces me has no foot-holds on its slippery wall” are two images that resonate with me. I won’t forget them.
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November 5, 2019 at 8:59 pm
Thanks Susan 🙏🏽
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November 4, 2019 at 2:34 am
Oh, you make me feel so sad for you! Glad to know that’s far behind you. The way you have expressed it will touch many hearts, I’m sure.
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November 5, 2019 at 8:58 pm
Thank you, Rosemary 🙏🏽
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November 4, 2019 at 3:11 am
My unravelling is complete when the world drains of colour and everything looks back at me in shades shades of grey. – that’s quite a line, Vivian. This is a very interesting project – I started something similar long ago and gave up after a few pages. Very challenging. More power to you and I look forward to the finished product.
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November 4, 2019 at 7:19 pm
Thanks Rajani!
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November 4, 2019 at 6:23 am
Tears, sleep, and disgust all disguised by a forced smile is a terrible way to live every day. I do hope she is able to receive help.
..
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November 4, 2019 at 6:37 am
Thanks Jim….I sure hope so- or she wouldn’t have had the energy to reply to you! 🙂
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November 5, 2019 at 4:13 am
Bless you Vivian.
And you have made my prayer list.
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December 10, 2019 at 4:03 am
Very nice ‘ and inspiring’
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December 10, 2019 at 10:25 pm
Thank you 😊
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