I’m having a go at writing narrative poetry for a personal project. This is one of the chapters. I’m unsure of the rules- and this is how it’s emerging. Despite it being a true story, I welcome all feedback- good and bad.
Walking into my brother’s home in Johannesburg.
From the car, through the door, through the house ….and then I see him.
Who is this shrivelled figure on the couch?
Who is this husk with sunken cheeks and paper-thin skin?
I only know it’s you, dear brother, because of your eyes.
You fix me with a stare- too weak to grin
I hear something breaking.
It’s on the inside of me…. as I reach for your hand.
The rest of the family are on their way… will they be on time?
Yes – just.
We have 4 days with you.
Four
Hollow
Days
We sigh when you mumble prayers as pain slices through you.
We laugh when- on medication- you want to listen to rap music by Tupac Shakur.
And we cry when you moan – as pain returns for another dance.
On the last day, we joined you in the Lord’s prayer…which you managed in 5 ragged breaths.
And we ended with “Amen”.
And then you left
– leaving me to return home with sadness in my handbag and grief as my luggage.
©Vivian Zems
September 15, 2019 at 4:29 pm
I’m not sure the rules matter. This is strong.
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September 16, 2019 at 11:52 pm
Thanks Sarah!
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September 15, 2019 at 4:30 pm
Beautiful heartfelt poem.At least he had you all with him at the end.
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September 15, 2019 at 6:12 pm
Thank you 🙏🏾- he did, indeed.
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September 15, 2019 at 4:32 pm
Such a touching a powerful piece of writing
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September 15, 2019 at 6:12 pm
Thanks Jaerose🙏🏾
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September 15, 2019 at 5:10 pm
Oh this is a very sad vignette of a larger story… of course the references to Johannesburg and the little I know, I imagine dying from aids, which also gives it a time (before you could continue to live with HIV)… good narrative poems in my view should make the reader find the story between the lines… so if this was not your intention with the story you at least know the story I read.
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September 15, 2019 at 6:11 pm
You got it, Björn. It was cancer. And thank you for the feedback 🙏🏾
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September 15, 2019 at 5:27 pm
Oh Vivian, I could SEE him, feel your heart breaking. He died in prayer – surely he is blessed. How very sad to lose a sibling so young. I am so sorry.
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September 15, 2019 at 6:18 pm
Thank you, Sherry! Blessed indeed. What a way to go! It’s seared in my memory.
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September 15, 2019 at 6:11 pm
A strong poem with the emptiness of those short lines drawing out the silences.
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September 15, 2019 at 6:13 pm
Thank you 🙏🏾
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September 15, 2019 at 6:16 pm
That opening scene is heart-wrenching, where see glimpses of him, then get closer and see how far gone he is. The meeting of your eyes has me crying. This line is another heart-wrencher: “And we cry when you moan – as pain returns for another dance.”
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September 15, 2019 at 7:34 pm
Thank you!🙏🏾
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September 15, 2019 at 9:39 pm
You are very welcome, Vivian.
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September 15, 2019 at 7:05 pm
Very open and hear-rending, Vivian. My heart was suspended, mouth open, between a gasp and a sigh – one for life, one for loss. I love the lines about sadness in handbag and grief as luggage. You so well convey the empty feeling going home from something like this. I don’t know the rules of the form, but you have certainly honoured your brother here and made your readers feel deeply. Well written.
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September 15, 2019 at 7:33 pm
Thank you H! I’m honoured you enjoyed this!
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September 15, 2019 at 8:41 pm
Oh my aching heart this is powerfully written, Vivian. I am so sorry for your loss 😦
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September 15, 2019 at 9:00 pm
Thanks Sanaa!🙏🏾
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September 15, 2019 at 9:45 pm
You have written well the heartbreak and the hardness of losing your brother. This is a poem I can FEEL. It is good that many were with him on his last days, that he left surrounded by your love, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Thanks for sharing such a personal write.
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September 16, 2019 at 8:48 am
Thanks Mary- I think it’s the first time I’ve been able to put into proper words
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September 15, 2019 at 9:46 pm
I can’t say I enjoyed this. But it was powerful and full of love. Cancer is a terrible way to die. If you are interested in writing narratives, you may want to try haibun. They are prosimetric and are always non-fiction. Prose followed by a seasonal haiku.
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September 16, 2019 at 8:47 am
Thanks Toni.Sigh, there’s nothing pleasing about that terrible disease.
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September 15, 2019 at 10:19 pm
This is a beautiful piece of writing … penned with such poignancy and tenderness … truly, it brought a lump to my throat. My condolences at your loss, Vivian.
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September 16, 2019 at 8:47 am
Thanks Wendy….on both counts. 🙂
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September 16, 2019 at 7:38 am
What a magnificent writer you are Vivian. How truthfully and sensitively you recount the sadness of saying goodbye to your brother. How grateful he must have been for you all to be there together.
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September 16, 2019 at 8:50 am
Thanks Robin. It was an honour for all us.
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September 16, 2019 at 8:38 pm
Very sad and haunting. Looking forward to seeing more of this
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September 16, 2019 at 11:15 pm
Thanks Phillip 🙏🏾
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September 18, 2019 at 1:22 pm
I don’t know the rules but I love that the family came together to be with him. I also like the way your ended this. The last line spoke to me.
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September 18, 2019 at 9:54 pm
Thanks Ali! It was a sad time.
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