This
vase
……. with care
A delicate pattern …………. to it’s elegant neck.
……….made to withstand only the pressure that love bringsCrack it ……..slowly. …..
Love
Depletes
©Vivian Zems
Björn hosts dVerse tonight, asking us to depict silences and pauses in poetry. I chose one of mine to show how silence can fill an empty space (using ellipsis), giving meaning to these few words already written.
Original Text (by me)
This
vase was
made with care
A delicate pattern of pink
bougainvillea snake from its
base to it’s elegant neck. This vase
holds oceans of love, galaxies of hope and a nebula of faith. This vase was made to withstand only the pressure that love brings. Crack it and slowly
so slowly, it will leak. This vase
is me and I am this vase.
Crack it and slowly
so slowly
Love
Depletes
January 4, 2018 at 8:12 pm
I think I’ve read the first version before. I like it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:46 am
Thank you!😊
LikeLike
January 5, 2018 at 9:12 am
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 4, 2018 at 8:15 pm
I love how you enhanced your poem by leaving silence instead… the ellipsis is most efficient.
LikeLike
January 4, 2018 at 8:19 pm
I like teh way you have developed the poem using ellipses, Viv I remember the original. They both speak clearly in different ways.
LikeLike
January 4, 2018 at 8:31 pm
this is pure gold: “…….made to withstand only the pressure that love brings”
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:44 am
Thank you!😊
LikeLike
January 4, 2018 at 8:43 pm
What a great post, Vivian! I remember this poem and love how you show us what happens when you interject silent moments into the text. Brilliantly done!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:44 am
Thanks, Jilly! I’m honoured 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 4, 2018 at 8:52 pm
Brilliant rewrite, Vivian. The ellipses make such a difference!
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:43 am
Thanks, Frank😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 4, 2018 at 9:03 pm
I think I agree with some of the others… the opened poem is the more effective. You’ve allowed space… and silence… for the reader to fill in.
LikeLiked by 2 people
January 5, 2018 at 7:42 am
Thanks, Charley😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 4, 2018 at 10:27 pm
Vivan- this is powerful. How clever- Bravo!
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:40 am
Thanks, Linda!😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 4, 2018 at 11:19 pm
I like the idea that we are like vases that can crack. I also like this phrase: “oceans of love, galaxies of hope and a nebula of faith”
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:39 am
Thanks, Frank 😊
LikeLike
January 4, 2018 at 11:23 pm
Well done–I like the new version better than the original, the extra space just feels right with the theme.
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:39 am
Thanks Jeff!😊
LikeLike
January 5, 2018 at 12:11 am
Wow, side by side, like grinning twins, these two poems are superb! Not sure which I prefer!
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:38 am
Thank you!😊
LikeLike
January 5, 2018 at 3:01 am
Great symbolism. The long pauses gave time to think about the words. I liked your use of love in this poem. I also thought about the love in the hands that shaped it in the first place. Very fragile like some of us. Created with love… Handled with love,,, Heart easy to break without love!
Dwight
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:34 am
A wonderful analysis! Thanks, Dwight!
LikeLike
January 5, 2018 at 3:39 am
Both poems are wonderful, but the new version feels more griping as the reader takes in the silence…
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:33 am
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it😊
LikeLike
January 5, 2018 at 12:16 pm
I guess I’m in the minority, but then I’m just a simple man that enjoys simple things. With that said, I found your original text very beautiful and for me, easier to read. As we all know, poetry has many forms and many different perceptions. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I just didn’t find that in your change to your original text. 🙂 ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 7:00 pm
So good of you to say so! I’ll take praise wherever I can find it😊💙
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 6, 2018 at 1:41 am
💛
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 8:59 pm
the silence is strangulating – very effective
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 5, 2018 at 9:22 pm
Thanks, Laura!
LikeLike
January 6, 2018 at 6:08 am
loved the way you used ellipses…a very expressive one!
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 6, 2018 at 8:30 am
Thanks, Sreeja!
LikeLike
January 6, 2018 at 11:15 am
The contrast between the two poems enriches both. And wonderful art! (K)
LikeLiked by 1 person
January 7, 2018 at 8:31 am
Thank you!😊
LikeLiked by 1 person